Knocking Out Narcissism Near You, Ep 14, Part 1 of 2
Welcome Back! I am Dawn Simmons and in this episode of Conquering Our Unseen Enemies we are going to talk about narcissism and how we manage our reactions to a narcissist. We are going to define a narcissist, identify the traits and the demonic influences generally associated with narcissism, discuss some specific cases involving narcissists and out of that give you some ways to manage your day, your time, your life, your job in relation to narcissists influenced by demonic spirits. There is so much to discuss and to do it correctly, we need time, so this will be 2 episodes. Also, be sure to listen at the end for the giveaway. We have already contacted the first of 4 winners of our giveaway for October.
Ok, let’s start knocking out some narcissism. I have never said the word narcissist so many times in my life as I just did. If I take all the times I have said it over the course of my life put together, I still don't think it's as many times as my opening. This episode is a result from emails I am receiving from you, and struggles you are having so let's get on into this conversation.
Fist let's discuss the origin of narcissism, which we will start with Greek mythology. You may remember way back when in probably elementary school when we are taught about mythology, there is Greek mythology and then later Roman mythology that is based on Greek Mythology. The Romans liked many aspects of Greek culture so when the Roman empire covered areas previously influenced by Ancient Greece, the Romans just created or you could even say duplicated much of what the Greeks created but gave it a new Roman name. So in Greek mythology, Narcissus was a character that was considered to be incredibly handsome and when he saw his own image reflected in a pool of water, he fell in love with himself. So I ask you, who does that sound like? If we take a look at Ezekiel 28: 12-17, ‘You were the seal of perfection, full of wisdom and perfect in beauty.13 You were in Eden, the garden of God;
every precious stone adorned you: carnelian, chrysolite and emerald, topaz, onyx and jasper,
lapis lazuli, turquoise and beryl.[b] Your settings and mountings[c] were made of gold;
on the day you were created they were prepared. You were anointed as a guardian cherub,
for so I ordained you. You were on the holy mount of God; you walked among the fiery stones.
You were blameless in your ways from the day you were created till wickedness was found in you. Through your widespread trade you were filled with violence, and you sinned. So I drove you in disgrace from the mount of God, and I expelled you, guardian cherub, from among the fiery stones. Your heart became proud on account of your beauty, and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor. So I threw you to the earth;I made a spectacle of you before kings.
When we think of someone today as a narcissist, we think of someone who is self-obsessed, self-absorbed, egotistical, self-centered, no concern for anyone else, conceited was the word we used when I was in high school, we didn’t use the term narcissist. I don't really think for me at least, back then that there were very many narcissistic people. I went to 4 high schools, one in Los Alamitos, CA, where I graduated, Spokane Washington, Belton Texas and Stuttgart Germany. So that's a broad range or at least a good cross section across a large amount of geography and I do not think there were more than a few narcissistic people in each of my high schools. Today, it seems like that is the way, like it's a requirement for social media content. Psychology Today doesn't agree with me, however, they say research doesn't support an increase in narcissism in the world today. I think I am going to stick with my opinion, but you are welcome to decide for yourself based on what you see out there. Where we do want to agree, however, are how the traits. We touched on them briefly already, but let's get more specific and start to tie traits to demonic influences. It's fair to say that not all narcissists are demonically influenced. Sometimes people just have a bankrupt character and that leads them to their specific behaviors, but more often than not, there is a demonic root and that's what we are here to address. So let's list our the trait and then the corresponding demonic influence. When we are speaking in general terms like we are here, we are not trying to identify the root because each person is different so we can't categorically say what the root is. In a case where it is someone you work with, for example, you may not have enough intimate knowledge of the person to be able to identify the root, so we have to work with what we do know and develop a strategy to manage how the demonic influence affects us.
Trait: Need for excessive admiration continually
Demon: Pride, Insecurity, Fear of disapproval,
Trait: Expectation of special treatment, they are superior to others
Demon: Pride, Insecurity, Competition, Perfection
Trait: Lack of Empathy for everyone else
Demon: Pride, Hatred, Cursing – belittling others, gossip, mockery, backbiting, Intolerance
Trait: Need to constantly be the center of attention
Demon: Pride, Fear of Rejection, Jealousy, Loneliness, Paranoia, Material Lust, Sensitiveness
Trait: Need to always be the one who is right
Demon: Self Righteousness, Rationalization, Self-delusion, Fear of Failure Self-Deception: Demonization involves a person who is unable to see themselves as anything other than what they say they are. They can contradict themselves and cannot see their error in contradiction. They are unteachable. An argument cannot be won with this person because they cannot see any wrong in themselves.
Trait: Need to always have their feelings be validated over everyone else's feelings
Demon: Insecurity, Inferiority, Bitterness, Dominance, Jealousy, Indifference
Trait: Controlling, power hungry, anger
Demon: Control, Rejection, Anger, Dominance
Trait: Lack of patience for others that doesn't benefit them
Demon: Unforgiveness, Resentment, Bitterness, Indifference
Trait: Deceitful, cunning
Demon: Jealousy, Paranoia, Fear of Authority – Lying, Fear of accusation
Trait: Antagonism
Demon: Rebellion, Bitterness, Jealousy, Indifference
Trait: Manipulative
Demon: Witchcraft, Control, Theatrics
Trait: Expects others to meet their needs regardless of what is required, grand gestures
Demon: Insecurity, Jealousy, Distrust, Ego, Argument, Perfection, Material Lust, Greed, Self-Delusion
We may have a need to feel justified or validated when dealing with a narcissist. Don't fall into that trap. What drives or motivates a narcissist may or may not be demonically influenced, so we come at the situation with what we can do in our authority based on how the Bible guides us in these situations.
Let's talk about some real of the life examples that you all have provided and are struggling with how, as a believer, to respond to a narcissist. All of these people who are sharing their story have one thing in common, they truly want to be able to have the issues resolved with Narcy and be able to salvage the relationship. Their heart is in the right place and if you have a Narcy we need to start from there. We may at times not feel that way, but in order for the Lord to honor our prayers and move on our behalf we have to have our heart aligned with the Lord.
The first two we are going to discuss involve work situations. One is with a coworker and the other is with their boss. The second two are family situations. For ease of conversation we are going to refer to the narcissist in our scenarios as Narcy, a made up name for our discussion. I do have to strip away specific details to ensure anonymity so it may seem vague, it is so by design. Give me some grace in these scenarios that I am not over dramatizing, these are truly painful, frustrating situations. Also, I am referring to Narcy as a female, just for ease of conversation between the 4 stories.
Narcy is the manager of the department. Narcy is charming, charismatic when she needs to be to get everyone to agree with her. If you do not agree with her, then you are not valuable to her. She has no patience or concern for employees who do not agree with her. She will use manipulation and has even been deceitful about job openings, pay and other information relating to job benefits. At least one job has been left open for 3 years although it could be filled by multiple qualified people in the department, but she doesn't like any of them, so excuses are made as to why the job remains open. She likes to remind others of her status and power. Her mood can change the atmosphere of the department. Decisions made are not always made for the benefit of the department, but more favor what is in her best interest. She uses favoritism to single people out and show others they are expendable.
I'm describing this one as if we are the one dealing with this for ease of conversation.
Narcy is the coworker and at one time she our friend, so she knows personal information about us and what is happening in our home life. Recently, there were some changes in the office and we received a new manager. The manager knew us from another department so the manager trusts us, likes us and looking back and that's when we noticed a shift in how Narcy began to treat us. About a month later another coworker pulled us aside and let us know that Narcy was turning people against us with false accusations. These false accusations made Narcy look good and us look bad. In making herself look good, she is becoming more the center of attention in the department. She has shared some of our personal information with others, again to make us look bad. At some point because of the nature of our work, her accusations, if believed could affect our work assignments. As Narcy is making us look bad, she is working to garner support of other coworkers to build herself up in the department as the go to person. We have attempted to confront her about what she is doing to put an end to it, but she has turned it around to make it be our fault and that we are making up lies. There has been some misconduct on her part during this time you have witnessed which could result in her termination or a demotion. This situation has been continuing for 4 months.
The next two situations involve family. Both are sister-in-law situations, but we will address each separately.
Narcy is our sister-in-law and anytime we are in group settings, whether family or friends, there is a continual picking at us. A pointing us out in front of others and getting others to agree with whatever Narcy says. This has gone on for years, unfortunately our husband isn't helping us navigate this or speaking to the sister about her behavior. We are not purposefully saying or doing anything to warrant this attention, it is a kind of bullying about who we are in general. We do not speak up for ourselves in the moment because we do not want to create an argument or tension in the family because we are the new one to the family. This treatment is also occurring at church functions in large women's group meetings. Narcy speaks to us as if she is better than us and our feelings don't matter. We have attempted to have a one-on-one conversation with Narcy to find out why she is treating us this way and to let her know it hurts, but Narcy brushed it off as if it were my problem and she was doing nothing wrong. This has been going on for 3 years.
Narcy is our sister-in-law and we have grown close over the last year. Growing close is a wonderful thing for the family and I feel closer to my brother now. The difficult part is that when they are in a fight and she confides in me, it seems like Narcy is always the one who is right, Narcy's point of view has to always be validated as if only her feelings matter. She needs to be told over and over how mature she is being in the disagreement and how immature my brother is in however he is responding. There is no patience for allowing my brother to work through their marital issue, he is just expected to immediately bend to her every time and he is faulted when he fails to do so. I try to remain unbiased; I know my brother can't be perfect, but he reacts pretty normally I think so I don't agree with all of her fault finding which of course makes her mad. She doesn't understand or want to listen when I tell her we all process differently and maybe he just needs a little time. She wants him to immediately feel the way she feels about everything. She isn't concerned that he also has feelings about their fight. My brother knows she talks to me and he doesn't mind because he trusts me, but I can't get through to her that everything can't always be about her and she can't possibly always be right in every situation. I don't want to be involved anymore but I know that allowing her to talk to me gives my brother a buffer while she is angry. This mostly comes out in her when someone disagrees with her, but I have to admit that we were not close before because she was very dismissive of me. She was nice when she needed something but then as soon as she got it, I was dismissed, like literally asked to leave even.
OK, so those are the scenarios that we are working with. If you have a narcissist in your life, hopefully somewhere in those scenarios you found some things you can identify with. If you don't have a narcissist in your life, be thankful. Just reading these sounds exhausting. So we are going to go through what we as believers can do to limit the affect of any demonic influence toward us. I will say, that even if there isn't a demonic influence and these steps will still help to change the dynamic of the relationship. Again, we don't think there is a demon under every rock, but applying Biblical principles is always the right way to handle whatever we have in our lives.
In essence, in dealing with a Narcy, you are dealing with someone who is a self-idolator. Paul discusses this in 2 Timothy 3, and here is what he tells us: But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.
That to me is a description of narcissism. It is also a lot of what is going on in our world today where so many think that their feelings matter more than anyone else or that no one else matters if it disagrees with what they want or think. In Paul’s case, he is telling the church how to handle someone in their midst and while that applies to some of our discussion, in the case of a coworker, we need to have another approach. So next week we will discuss the things we can do to give you some ways to manage your day, your time, your life, your job in relation to narcissists influenced by demonic spirits.
Ok so as always let's recap the Top Show Points:
· The origin of “narcissism” as we think of it starts with Greek mythology, but in reality, if we look at Ezekiel Ezekiel 28: 12-17, we see a description of satan that is identifies him as the first narcissist.
· We discussed common traits of a Narcissist and identified demons associated with those traits
o Need for excessive admiration continually, Expectation of special treatment, they are superior to others, Lack of Empathy for everyone else, Need to always be the one who is right, , Need to always have their feelings be validated over everyone else's feelings, Controlling, power hungry, anger, Lack of patience for others that doesn't benefit them, Deceitful, cunning, Antagonism, Manipulative, Expects others to meet their needs regardless of what is required, grand gestures
· Don’t fall into the trap of having a need to feel justified or validated when dealing with a narcissist. You cannot win that battle because it is not based on reality.
· We discussed the details 4 real life examples of dealing with a narcissist that are being lived out right now, 2 with coworker situations and 2 are family situations. You may not know these people, but please include them in your prayers.
· Paul discusses dealing with narcissist people in the church in in 2 Timothy 3, and defines narcissist behavior as a self-idolator.
We encourage you:
· To have an active Bible reading plan, it will be helpful in gaining wisdom and understanding and it is required for the gift of spiritual discernment
· Also, I want to encourage you to visit our website and join our Warrior community. In the month of October I will be picking 4 people at random from our Warrior community for a one hour one to one discussion, so if you would like to be included in that random drawing make sure you join the community.
Be sure to join me next week for Part 2 of Knocking out Narcissism. Have a great week!
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